Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
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Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
Good morning, Twitter 😊
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.