The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
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HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
I only eat vegetarians.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.