IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
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Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
#Caturday
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
Can. I. Help. You.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.