What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
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I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
Never mind a Roomba, I need a robot garbage can that will follow my kids around the house all day.
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
texting my friend “why’s there a firetruck at ur house” while he’s boarding a plane to Europe
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
A really good magician could be living in your house and you would never know.
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃