There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
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Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
the three branches of government
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.