If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
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If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.