Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
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I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.