Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
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you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.