No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
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STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.