So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
You Might Also Like
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.