I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
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If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
Tammy is short for Tamuel
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
The pen is writier than the sword.
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces