“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
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On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
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