wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
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when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
Not now. I’m deglazing.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI