I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
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WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.