Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
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“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”