Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
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Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
The Compass
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
i love modern commerce
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation