Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
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me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
shit just got real
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
Best misinterpreted text ever!