[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
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My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
Not all heroes wear capes….
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf