Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
You Might Also Like
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
The USS B port
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff