“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
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friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]