I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
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I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
the dark web is just a goth google.
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair