I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
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This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
What a website
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.