Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
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The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
Just me and my debit card against the world