Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
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They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
i guess his teacher was really pissed
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao