Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
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Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die