I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
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People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
Never forget.
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
This is painfully accurate 😅
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
Finally!
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.