There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
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I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
they should invent a rest for the wicked
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
I just ran a .003048K
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister