I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
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I was once killed by a shark escalator.
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
Tell me you get it…🤣
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
Google Pay be like:
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.