“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
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What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.