I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
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You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*