Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
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My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
These aliens are taking forever.