Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
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I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.