Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
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Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
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[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.