professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
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How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
My safe word is Worcestershire
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing