Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
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My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*