Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
You Might Also Like
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings