this is one of the funniest videos of all time
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Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony