Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
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[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
This could be us, but you weedin’.
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would