Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
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Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk