*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
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if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
Meow
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it