Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
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People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
Worth a try
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
they split up moments later
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
“our sushi is very fresh”
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
When you kidnap a writer.
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”