Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
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Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
the rocks need my help
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them