I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
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[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.