(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
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You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
Important
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.