They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
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Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
Wait a minute
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
welp
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
can’t catch a break
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.