Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
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Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.