My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
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If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!