90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
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Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
Meme Monday.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.