I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
You Might Also Like
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?