me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
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Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.